hahahaa I'm making Krista update!!!! I'm awesome and cool. That means I'm awesool. Anyways Krista's life has been not very interesting lately. She's been working a lot and she ran her car into a "ditch" she was pretty upset about that but it's okay now. I should really be studying rather than updating her xanga but I don't really have a life......

THIS IS BRITTANY - signing off....

well i'm feeling guilty again so here's another entry to put my mind at ease. hehe

    Lots and lots of things going on in life, but thats okay, it keeps things interesting I've been thinking a lot about how much has changed since just last year. I was so miserable and depressed a year ago, feeling so alone and lost. I sometimes feel like that still, but who doesn't feel like that every now and then, right? My parents and i are getting along so great now and i can't believe how much i hated even being around them a year ago. My mom and i are like really good friends and i actually feeling like "daddy's little girl" again. Crazy stuff, but definitely good crazy!
  
    Anyway, thats what's been on my mind lately, but on another note, i've been actually having fun at work lately. My manager apparently doesn't hate me like i thought he did....maybe he's finally done pmsing haha. But for real, the last month has been horrible with him, and tonight he just started acting really nice again and i almost felt guilty because i was working up the nerve to tell him i wasn't working weekends anymore cuz he was pissing me off too much...then he started getting really nice (maybe he's a mind reader and knew what i was about to do) who knows....but i don't care either because i told him anyway....haha. i'm evil, but i'm sick of not ever having time to do anything with my friends because i'm always at work.

   I went grocery shopping with my mom tonight and it (for whatever reason) brought back a lot of memories from when i was little when i'd go shopping with her....walking down ther cereal aisle is almost something no parent should ever let their child do....haha no wonder she hated taking us kids with her when she bought groceries.....and it was sad because i'm 20 years old and as soon as we got in the aisle i was like 5 years old again! It was weird....and it doesn't make any sense because i never even eat cereal anymore and there i was telling my mom to get the "Good kinds" hahaha.She finally just got too annoyed and let me pick them all out while she stood there rolling her eyes. haha. good times.
   

    man, i'm so excited i'm not working weekends anymore...seriously, i feel like i'm a new person! woo hoo~now i can actually have time to drive to HU and visit jennie and get away from shelbyville for a couple days!!

   well....thats pretty much all i got...cuz i'm retarded and have no life and nothing interesting to write about, but like i said, i pretty much only write entries because i feel guilty for having a wasted use of internet space....

wow..i really suck at this. not much really going on lately. I work all the time, and when i'm not working, i'm usually at home babysitting/cleaning or trying to figure out my life. haha.
   My sis left for college a couple weeks ago, and thats pretty much the  weirdest thing ever to get used to. It doesn't feel like its been 2 years since i left for college. I just hope her experience is better than what mine was...lol. 
 
   Tonight we had a girls night and took my mom out to a Japanese steak house for her birthday and then we spent a couple hours walking around the mall. Not only did that constantly scream "you're so poor!!!" it also reminded of me of how incredibly single i still am! haha. Life is grand, huh? But, on the other hand, most of the couples i saw walking around were rather freaky looking...so i guess i am not too terribly envious of their luck lol.

   I applied for a job at JC Penny Home Store tonight and i've been trying to get hired at a local junior high school here to work as a teacher's aid....definitely something to be praying for...i have got to get out of the steak house before i totally lose my mind and all of my emotional stability! It's just so ridiculous...the stuff that goes on in that place and all the crap that its caused me. Besides that, the work involved for the amount i get paid is just not even close to being worth it anymore. I have my car picked out and i'm dying to just go get it.....but i gotta get a more stable job first.
 
  Anyway, i'm obviously really bored right now and have nothing interesting to write about whatsoever...i just felt the need to update this thing. I tend to start feeling guilty for even having this because i never use it and its just a waste of space. lol.

so its been awhile..not that it really matters but i'm gonna write on this thing anyway because i'm ridiculously bored at the moment and i have nothing better to do with my time.
   I guess the biggest thing thats been going on is i visited Bryan College in Tennessee a couple weeks ago. I have had that school in the back of my mind for 2 years now and never actually visited it. There was just something about the school that made me want to go visit it and i finally did. Although, i was secretly hoping i wouldn't like it when i got down there because i had all these plans set in motion for moving into an apartment at the end of august and starting classes at iupui this fall. I was supposed to get a car and everything was working out so incredibly perfectly. However, one by one all of my plans fell through and i was left feeling completely lost once again. So when i got to the school I wasn't too set on anything and then the more we walked around the campus and in the buildings and everything...i just walked away feeling sad i had to leave. It just felt like home to me. The campus sits on a hill kind of...and is surrounded by miles and miles of country and mountains that never seem to end. Its incredible and just being on the campus made me feel closer to God. It was just amazing. I have decided that if all works out, i'm gonna do online courses through the school this semester and stay home and work and save for a car and then hopefully by the end of the semester have everything ready to move down there and start classes in January. I'm just praying that it all works out.
  I'm ready for this. I'm ready for a change..things around here have gotten so stupid and crazy and i'm just ready to start something new.

      It's like everything that has taken place over the last six months with friends and my family and work and all that..its like all the crap and hurt is making this so much easier to do. It won't be that hard for me to leave as compared to 8 months ago or so when my friendships with people were still really solid and i was really attached to people. A lot of crap has gone down lately, but i feel like maybe now it was all for a good reason and its making me moving away from everyone so much easier. I just want to start over in a sense....meet new people, make new friends, try new things and be myself without feeling like i'm being compared constantly to my siblings or other people. I guess it kind of sounds like i'm using this as an escape route...but i'm honestly not. I just feel like this is my chance to actually go out and be my own person and live life to the fullest. I guess i feel like if don't do it soon...i'll never do it, i'll always be here working the same crappy jobs and being content to not do anything significant with myself.

  I don't know...i'm just thinking aloud right now. I'm just really excited to move away and i'm praying that this all falls into place and it works out to do this.

    I'm also on vacation right now. I've been in Minnesota for the last week with my family. We rented 2 cabins on a lake out here and its been a blast...yesterday we rented a couple jetskis and spent the entire day on them...it was freakin awesome! We're leaving first thing in the morning for the exciting 15 hour drive back home. I'm ready to be home again too....i like being on vacation and all, but i can only take so much of it before i'm ready to just get back and have things back to normal again. I'm actually missing work right now! thats pathetic...but i feel like i'm wasting away here because i haven't really done anything but swim and lay out in the sun and i feel so lazy!

   Anyway, i'm sure no one really cares to read all this anyway so i'll just shut up and end it here....

Currently Listening A Diamond in the Rough: The Jennifer Knapp Collection By Jennifer Knapp see related

ready for something more

Lately I've realized that my life is really becoming a bland and un-exciting story. I find myself doing all the same old stuff over and over again, dealing with the same old drama that never seems to go away and the same kind of childish back-stabbing that I thought we left behind when high school ended. I'm ready for something more. Something better. Something meaningful.

   There are always times when being crazy and totally immature is good and maybe even necessary for me to maintain my sanity, but those times need to be on occasion and not a constant way of life. I feel like my entire attitude towards certain things is taking on a completely new outlook and the things I used to think were really important, really aren't anymore. I'm ready to just grow up, leave the drama and childish ways behind. I want my life to start and become something meaningful and exciting. I want to go places.
 
     I think God has quietly been preparing me for all these changes for awhile now. I feel like He's getting ready to do something big in my life, but in order for Him to be able to have that kind of impact, I'm gonna have to leave certain things behind. I was just too stubborn and narrow-minded to see it all until now. My mom said something to me the other night and at the time I was pretty sure she meant it in a completely different context, but the more I think about it...the more I find it applicable in my current situation. She said that sometimes we go through a lot of hard things in life and none of it makes sense and we think its all just a big lesson to be learned, and while that may be true, it could also just be a way for God to make other things happen. Things we go through in life that are confusing and hard could just be God paving a way for something even better to come along. 
  
   I think God's probably been in that process for longer than I could have ever imagined, but I'm not afraid to let go of my past anymore. I want to know what God's trying to show me. I'm ready to leave all the childish ways behind and finally grow up and be the person I'm supposed to be.